It's been awhile. I'm sorry about that but life got in the way. It's not a bad thing or a good thing, it's just a reality thing. You see, just a little over a year ago, I met a boy. A man actually. A really good man.
I've met many boys. I've dated many boys. I kissed many boys. I cried over many boys. I got mad at many boys. I swore off boys time and again and yet I always went back for more. It took a lot of heartbreak and self reflection and wine and comforting friends to get past some of those boys.
I watched my friends meet and marry their matches. I celebrated engagements, showers, bachelorettes, weddings and even babies in the time I spent looking for the "right" boy. While my friends picked out new linens and kitchen gadgets I wondered why I couldn't make a relationship last longer than a season. Usually not even as long as a season.
Each time a friend got married a small part of me longed for our younger years, when time together was easily accessible and possibilities seemed endless. Don't get me wrong, I loved watching my friends find true love and being a part of their celebrations. It's an honor, albeit an expensive one, but an honor non the less to be asked to be a bridesmaid let alone attend a friends' "big day."
I very much envied that someone else would hear my best friend's good news before I would. That someone else got to bum along on a family vacation I used to be invited on. I knew that this was a natural progression of life as was eventually paying for my own vacation, but I was nostalgic.
In truth, my already large circle of friends has nearly doubled. I'm thankful for the partners my friends have chosen. I've been embraced by the many yin to my friends' yang.
Being single is lonely. It's scary. Sometimes it's even embarrassing. When a well intention-ed acquaintance would ask, "why are you still single?" I never knew what they expected me to say.
It was frustrating when my 92 year old grandmother would tell me not to be picky. As if I should have simply married anyone who'd take me.
It was infuriating when a friend would provide unsolicited advice or worse yet, their opinion. It was depressing when I found myself on another date with another person who shared nothing in common and occasionally didn't grasp social cues. It was demeaning when friends offered to set me up with the one other single person they knew. Like being single was enough to base a relationship on. And it was sad, sometimes heartbreaking, when one of those boys, one I did share common interests with, just didn't reciprocate the feelings I felt.
I felt all those feels when I was single and not so successfully dating.
But being single was also empowering. It was nice to never worry about conflicting plans. I enjoyed spending money on myself whenever I wanted. I didn't worry about too many Amazon Prime shipments rolling in in one week. I felt pride when I purchased my first apartment on my own. And I felt terrified knowing a mortgage was all on me. I felt successful when I fixed a loose toilet paper holder, my shower and my toilet on my own. I felt grateful when I would go home to a place of my own and watch what I wanted on my tv. I loved spending weekends how I wanted, with whomever I wanted, wherever I wanted. I loved the freedom of getting in a car or a plane and traveling when I wanted. I loved being strong enough to know what I wanted and bold enough to wait for it. And I loved learning about myself and what I truly deserved along the way.
While I envied the ease of other relationships I saw I found that the best partner you can find, is yourself. I learned to live my life the way I wanted and to stop waiting for "the one." I accepted that my life had turned out differently than I anticipated. I owned my faults, my mistakes and my choices and never once regretted the course I took. I mourned the kids I might never have. The home I may never own and the love I might have never known but I accepted my fate.
Only then did I learn to love my life as is. From as far back as I can remember, my one and only dream was to be a wife and mother. It was a simple dream and one I took for granted. It may seem ignorant in the current age of feminism. Then again, being a feminist is about not apologizing for who or what I want to be.
It was while I was living my life on my terms, walking away from relationships that served no purpose, that this Man walked into my life. In truth, he'd been here all along. We went to college together and I met him my first week as a Freshman, He was nice and funny. He knew where the parties were and legally bought us adult beverages.
He ever so casually re-entered my adult life and suggested we date. I agreed we'd be a fun pair but a 150 miles separated us. I lived in NY and he had just moved back to Boston. We'd agree to "meet up" when I was in town but never did. Two years later, he sent me a text asking to come to NY to see me. I agreed and instantly panicked. I almost rescinded my invite but a tiny voice in my head said, "what if..."
That "what if..." brings us to today. 13 months, endless road trips and four full seasons later. Almost instantly I knew that He would change my life forever. I finally knew love. I finally knew the ease and comfort of a healthy relationship. I never guessed where we stood and I never cried over not knowing his feelings. It took a long and windy road with several speed bumps and a sinkhole to get here, but here I am. I'm on the other-side of love.
No longer living in NY but in Boston where I've always wanted to be. I don't own my own apartment anymore but we're looking to buy one together. I gladly share my tv and my meals with this man. He's what I fought for all along. He's what I prayed for in my loneliest hour. He's the personified version of my "wish list." He makes me laugh and thinks I'm funny. He's supportive and encouraging. He doesn't mind my brand of crazy and proudly shows me off to his friends and family. He never misses a chance to tell me he loves me and better yet, he never misses a chance to show it. He might leave washed dishes slightly dirty and insist on a life-sized Larry Byrd poster hang forever in our home but I love him. I love our life together and knowing he's in it for keeps. He sat across from me at dinner last night, starring into my tired, worried eyes and said, "I love you and am so glad you came into my life." I couldn't have said it better myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment